A Glimpse Into the Mind of an Intern

I thought I would share some of the things that I have been going through/struggling with so far on internship. Basically, I think I am experiencing some of the common struggles or conflicts that many if not all pastors face at some point in their ministry.

Firstly, I cannot remember a time where I have been faced with so much doubt and questions. I have never doubted my calling to ministry, nor have I doubted the truth of what I believe. Rather, doubt has arisen regarding, for lack of a better word, my worthiness for my calling. I get so frustrated because there are some things that I feel I should understand and have a better grasp on if I am going to be a pastor, and yet I simply cannot wrap my mind around them. One such subject that I cannot comprehend is that of grace. It is such a crucial topic to my faith, and yet not only can I not understand it, but I don't think I am as grateful for grace as I should be. Perhaps this is in part because I have been a Christian my entire life, and without ever having turned from my faith, I have trouble recognizing my need for grace. In my pride I feel like I was never a bad enough person that I desperately needed saving. In my heart I know that this is a lie, but these are the thoughts that have been plaguing me.

And if it isn't already apparent from the previous paragraph, the other area of my life that I have been struggling with is that of pride, which is something I didn't even recognize in my own life until recently. This is something I am having to try and destroy in my life on a daily basis. For example, last week I spoke at the jr. high youth service. Prior to the service, I was not overly confident in what I had to say, and felt the message I had prepared was sub-par. So I simply told God that all I could do was proclaim the truth of His Word, and it was up to Him to do something with it. This was a smart thing for me to do. With God's help, my talk went really well, much better than I had anticipated. My immediate reaction was to take pride in what "I" had just done. See what I mean about pride? Don't get me wrong, these are two issues that I am working on, but it is still a constant struggle.

Which brings me to the first question that has been bothering me. How can I, as a pastor, preach on subjects that I am still in the process of working through in my own life? Doesn't that show a lack of integrity? As I have reflected on these questions, I recognized one of the major lies that is used to discourage pastors, and that is the idea that pastors somehow have to have all the answers and lead a perfect life before they are able to minister. The fact is that God chooses to work through imperfect people. Pastors are no different. This is not an excuse to ignore the issues, but if everyone waited to achieve some high level of spiritual maturity before ministering to others, then there would be no pastors.

Since this post is already getting rather long, I will post the rest of my thoughts at a later time. But first I wanted to share the lyrics to a song that has been a source of encouragement to me in my struggles:

Answered (by Thrice)

All that I have are questions;

So much is veiled in mystery.

But you are yourself the answer -

The only answer that I need.

My brokenness (I must confess)

Darkens all my thoughts and hides your hands.

But questions fade before your face,

And I'm content that I may never understand.

Of what I spoke I did not know -

Of things too wonderful and high for me.

In ignorance I gave offense;

I had heard of you but now my eyes have seen.

New Experiences

"And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophecy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions." (Joel 2:28)

The reason I began this post with this passage is that since beginning my internship, I have experienced God in ways that I never had before. And that is through visions. I do not have much for theology or doctrinal teaching regarding visions; all I have is my experiences, which I would like to share.

Before I was given my first vision, I had been thinking a lot about the power and baptism of the Holy Spirit. This had been the topic of a sermon one of the pastors was working on, so it had been frequently discussed around the church as well. In my studies, I had come across this quote, which I think largely inspired the first vision I was given:

"Just as when a sunbeam falls on bright and transparent bodies, they themselves become brilliant too, and shed forth a fresh brightness from themselves, so souls wherein the Spirit dwells, illuminated by the Spirit, themselves become spiritual and send forth their grace to others." (Basil, "On the Holy Spirit")

So this is what I had been reflecting on throughout the morning. I then met with the other local youth pastors at the Pentecostal church, and we had a time of prayer for the upcoming multi-denominational youth service. As we were praying, I saw a vision of the entire sanctuary filled with youth worshipping God. As they worshiped, each person began to glow brighter and brighter, until the sanctuary was unbearably bright. I immediately understood this to be the power of the Spirit pouring out of the lives of each believer there, and thought of how the Spirit's power is amplified (maybe not the right word?) through the lives of each believer. It is such an undeserved honor that God would choose to manifest His power and fulfill His purposes through the Church. God doesn't need us, but He loves us and chooses to work through us anyways. So maybe this doesn't seem like such a significant vision to you, but this was the first time I had experienced God in this way, and I thought it was pretty amazing.

It was only a few weeks later that God gave me another vision. I was spending some time in quiet prayer, sitting under the large cross in the sanctuary. As I was praying, I was thinking of Jesus hanging there on the cross. And then I saw a vision in which I saw Jesus come down from the cross, and He said to me (almost audibly), "I came down from the cross so that I could be with you." Such a simple vision, yet so incredibly profound! While I don't understand a lot about visions, I believe that I was given this vision to strengthen and encourage me. Throughout my internship I have become aware of some of my own weaknesses and failings, and have wondered how God could possibly be calling someone like me to full-time ministry. And it is at these times that I am often reminded of this vision, and realize that it is only by God's grace and because of the indwelling Spirit that I am qualified and adequate to minister to others. This is something that God has been teaching me throughout my internship so far, but a lesson that I seem to be slow to learn. But I just wanted to share some of the ways that God has been revealing Himself to me lately, as I think its pretty amazing.

Daisy

After beginning to grasp the great power of the Holy Spirit dwelling within me (as described in my previous post), the next step is to learn how to rely fully on His strength, rather than trying to do everything in my own power. This is much more difficult than it sounds.

There is a song off of the new Brand New album that I think perfectly illustrates the result of trying to live life in our own power. I'm not sure what their intended meaning of the song is, but this is what the song made me think of.

Daisy (by Brand New)

I'm a mountain that has been moved

I'm a river that is all dried up

I'm an ocean nothing floats on

I'm a sky that nothing wants to fly in

I'm a sun that doesn't burn hot

I'm a moon that never shows it's face

I'm a mouth that doesn't smile

I'm a word that no one ever wants to say

I don't wanna be...

He wasn't finding anybody when he was on the shelf

I saw him in my dream

I'm a mountain that has been moved

I'm a fugitive that has no legs to run

I'm a preacher with no pulpit

Spewing a sermon that goes on and on and on

Well if we take all these things and we bury them fast

And we'll pray that they turn into seeds, to roots and then grass

It'd be alright, it's alright, it'd be easier that way

Or if the sky opened up and started pouring rain

Like he knew it was time to start things over again

I'd be alright, it's alright, it'd be easier that way

As I listen to this song, I am reminded of just how futile it is to attempt to live by our own power when God Himself resides within us. In order to live in the power of God, we must first die to ourselves, as the song suggests. In Luke 9:23-24 Jesus teaches that "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." It is required that we surrender control to God on a daily basis, since we as humans are weak. Once we have done this, it is up to God to continually grow us more and more into the image of Christ. The song suggests that the only way to start again is if someone (in this case, God) sent rain to grow us into something new.

Even Jesus, although fully divine, did not try and do anything apart from the will of God the Father. He says about Himself: "By myself I can do nothing; I judge only as I hear, and my judgment is just, for I seek not to please myself but him who sent me" (John 5:30). If Jesus, the very Son of God, did not try to live life by His own power, how foolish of us to think we can somehow carry out God's purposes for our life without His power!

I would like to finish with another quote from A. W. Tozer, this time from his book "I Talk Back to the Devil" :

"If you think that there is anyone in the world so good that God could do something for that person's sake, you don't know sin; and if you think there is anything that God will not do for you for His sake and for His name, you don't know God!"